I’m also trying to tell someone else something, but because we’ve not spoken properly in person, he may or may not find the situation a bit weird. I’m surprised I’ve managed to contain it for so long, but I don’t wanna ruin what we’ve got, however unsure I am about it.

My lovely American friend is coming back at the end of November!! When she got home she decided she misses here so much, so she’s gonna stay for 6 months again. I think. Hopefully by next summer, I’ll have saved enough money to go back with her and stay out there for a while.

My Internet is being really slow today. I type something and then it takes hours for the letters to appear, so if I make a mistake or want to change something I have to wait a long time to be able to do so. Incredibly frustrating.

Oh that guy who I abandoned for a whole year and just started speaking to again recently, he’s not replied to my emails for a good few weeks. I know he said he was very busy at the moment, but I hope he’s okay. He used to make all the time in the world for me. I ruined it. However many times he tells me things can be how they used to be, they will never be the same. I miss it so much. More than I’ve ever missed anything else, I think. I really don’t know what to do. If I keep telling him I feel bad, he’ll just end up getting annoyed and that’ll do us no good whatsoever.

I’m desperate for the loo, but have absolutely no energy to go upstairs. I got an hours more sleep than usual. No, more than that because I woke up more than an hour later than I normally would. I haven’t had breakfast though. Well I did, but there was so little cereal left in the box, it didn’t provide a sufficient amount of energy.

I had one of those dreams last nght. Featured one of my closest friends, but he was totally different to how I know him. I don’t want to say the person in my dream was nicer, because my friend is lovely anyway. But he was more.. affectionate? I don’t know how to describe it. But that’s how I want our friendship to really be. I’m not ungrateful for what we’ve got, but we both know it’s not perfect and that there’s room for improvement.

For now, I don’t really know where things are. I seem to only be able to cope with a certain amount of people at any one time. For example, if I make a new friend, or get closer to someone, I seem to fall out with another. So that goes round in circles. Although, that could be because when I fall out with someone I set out to get close to someone else because I feel lost without people.

Isn’t it weird how someone asks someone out, and they answer yes as a joke. So then they see how it goes. I went to ask him how things were between them, and he told me he’d dumped her. So I asked why, and he said he doesn’t wanna say. I only asked this about 2 days after he told me she’d asked him out. I don’t know who she is, but whoever they are they don’t deserve to be treated like that. But now I’m confused as to why he wouldn’t tell me what happened. I told someone else about it and she said “probably because she wouldn’t sleep with him” and although I had to think of my friends like that, it’s probably true.

Anyway. Yeah, so things between me and him are a bit weird at the moment but never mind. Ohh, but I became close to someone else instead. Well someone I’ve always loved very much, but because we were never together I stayed quiet and kept myself to myself. It’s one of those relationships where you never really talk to the person, but you value their.. existance? presence? company? an awful lot. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

My American friend flew back last week. It’s so different not having her around, because she was here for almost 6 months I think. She’s coming back next year. Not sure for how long, but I still might go over there to visit her. I’ve got alot on at the moment though so I don’t know if I’ll be able to fit it in. Or afford it.

I just read that paragraph back and noticed that instead of writing the words I intended to write, I’d written words that rhymed with them. Crazy stuff.

Erm yeah. What else is going on. Ohh this weekend I’m gonna see so many people! I have family coming down to stay. Haven’t seen them since then beginning of August. An old school friend is also coming down to see me and his other friends. He wants to see the new James Bond film. I’m not interested in films like that to be honest, but I’ll be happy to go. I’ve also got to look after a friends son, because she’s going away and he can’t be trusted to stay at home with his two sisters, haha. He really makes me laugh though, so it’ll be good. I’ve also got to buy some wellies.

Credit crunch. Argh! It’s so cold in this house, and I can’t have the heating on as it’s too expensive. I’m not even eating properly at the moment either. Have been feeling sick for a good few weeks now, I just want to get better.

I don’t really know what to write. I have the most uneventful existence ever. Counselling is rubbish right now. Ermm.. the person I really need to talk to is always ‘appearing offline’ on MSN and never replies to my texts properly so I can’t send him that because it’ll be like when you ask someone a question and they don’t reply. But then you have to go quickly, so you don’t actually have an answer. But then you feel like you can’t ask them next time you speak to them because it’ll just be weird. And I won’t call him either because I never know when he’s busy. 99% sure though that next time he comes online or talks to me, I then won’t actually have the guts to say what I want to.

Anyway, I haven’t read this back but I’ve gotta go and watch last weeks Heroes as I missed it. I watched ‘The Cottage’ instead. One of the weirdest films that has ever graced my TV screen. Some of it was really funny, but then it went too far and was just sick, disturbing, wrong. Whatever. Don’t watch it.

How can one tiny thing cause such a huge problem?

I’m really fed up of people making other peoples business their business. It’s driving me nuts. Actually no, it’s not annoying me. Well it is, but it’s upsetting me more. The way things are worded is just, silly and I just think “what is the point?”. There isn’t a single person I can actually talk to about how much this is bothering me. Nor is there a single person I can talk to about something else that’s affecting me, but I’m not going to write about that here. Ahh, I’m so, so desperate to tell this person how I feel about everything, but it’s just the wrong thing to do.

My poor pillow is falling apart. I’ve had the same one for about.. 9 years because I love it. Like a child loves their blanket and doesn’t want to let go. It’s still fine to sleep on, although it is a bit lumpy. I think the reason it’s falling apart, though, is because I fold it in half everyday to lean against. And that makes me feel as if something is sticking into my back. And even when I take it away or sit somewhere else, my back still hurts. I should get a cushion or something.

I hung out with some friends I hadn’t seen for a while today. They’d all asked me where I’d been and things like that and I didn’t really have an answer, haha. I’m so glad I haven’t got lots of friends, because I just haven’t got the time to see them all!

I haven’t been feeling very well recently. I woke up this morning thinking I was gonna be sick, and I’ve just felt rubbish all day. I’m so tired as well, even though I’ve been sleeping alot. I look as if I’ve rubbed stinging nettles on my eyes. Not fun. Neighbours just made me cry. Twice. I’ve now got hiccups, and someone is play that Beggin’ song really loud. But I like it.

Oooh, just seen the current Google logo:

I likes it. It’s so distracting I’ve completely forgotten what I was going to search. Haha.

Is it wrong to let someone know that something’s bothering you, but not to tell them what it is? I know it annoys me when people do it, but I seem to be doing it alot recently.

Right, I can’t be bothered to read back through this or write anymore, so TTFN.

I seem to have a habit of being bothered by something but not knowing why because it shouldn’t. Well I do know why, I just ignore it for too long until it hits me and then I get all emotional and confused. Happened twice in the last 2 days.

I wrote this list earlier:

I just got majorly upset by something that shouldn’t have affected me at all.
The place I felt most comfortable, is now the worst place ever.
I’m desperate to see someone but it’s not the right time.
Stevie Wonder is the only thing that’s making me smile.
FreeMind won’t let me do what I wanna do.
Stevie Wonder is making me feel nostalgic.
My hair is a mess because I blow dried it.
I need to hoover the floor again.
I just got toothpaste down me.

Hours ago that was. Most of it’s the same except the floor has been hoovered. Yay. Oh and I haven’t just got toothpaste down me, but I didn’t bother to wet it so it is still there. Whoops. And I’m still listening to SW.

I just thought of something to write, and then changed my tab for about 2 seconds and forgot it. But anyway, isn’t it weird how you keep checking your phone to see if you have any messages, even though it’s right infront of you so you’ll see and hear it if it goes off? Or is it just me who does that?

I realised I love learning new words. I always have a dictionary tab open so when I read something new, I can see what it means and add it to my list of things to say. I saw one earlier, but I can’t remember what it was. Began with ‘c’ and had something to do with being upset/jealous. *looks in History* Ahah, covetous; desiring something too much, especially something that belongs to someone else. I used to think I never got jealous, but I recently found out that I do. Awful, really.

Apart from that, I’m pretty good overall. Had time to think about things, spoken to everyone I needed to speak to, let everyone know how I’m feeling, and now I feel free. Except I have a rather huge project to complete by Thursday. I haven’t even started it. I don’t intend to start it today, either. Oh well, what’s the worse that could happen? I got a couple of essays I wrote ages ago back today. One of which I didn’t understand at all, the other I spent ages writing and put so much effort into. Turns out, I did better in the one I didn’t understand, but only by one mark. Nice.

Wow. It feels as if I’ve written loads, but it’s been hardly anything. I’m really in the mood for a weekend. A good weekend though. Not wasting it, like I usually do. I wanna do something productive and exciting. Ohh, just remembered that if the weather’s good I’m going out on Sunday. Yay! Don’t know where yet, but anywhere is better than here, haha.

I can smell… something powdery. Make up, perhaps. Ya know when you walk past an old lady, you get a huge waft of well, smell? Like that. It’s not a bad smell, it’s just very notiable. I like smells that remind me of people or events. Good smells though, of course. Nothing worse than a bad smell. A bad smell and a good time? Can that work? Like a bad film with a good actor. Does that work? The shows on Channel 4 recently have been really good. Gonna watch that Sex Education Show later [although I might post this afterwards, so it would have been earlier] which will be interesing.

Doorbell.

Anyway, over a year passed, and I’ve thought about him so much. I sent him a message a couple of weeks ago saying sorry and stuff. He replied, and said it’s okay, he’s ‘grown’ up [difficult again, because he won't be as dependant so it will be a whole different kind of friendship] but he forgives me and things will be better than before I stopped talking to him. I feel sick just writing this. I love him to pieces, but after what the other guy did, I don’t think I’ll be able to trust my friend as much as I did, and I’m scared that I’ve just put myself back into a vulnerable position. Bad times.

I’ve explained to him what happened and why I couldn’t talk to him, but the feeling of insecurity is still there. No matter how many times I let him know I feel kinda ‘scared’ to talk to him, it’s not gonna change anything. I either talk to him, or I don’t. Ohh, but I don’t know what’s best.

I’ve just read some of our really old messages. “if i didnt have you to talk to, id lose it. i dont really want to imagine not having you to talk to, since i have met you, i have been somewhat happier.” I hate myself for leaving him. “thanks for giving me a reason to get up in the morning.” Actual hate. What kind of person am I to just abandon someone who needed me? “i dont want to hurt myself anymore. im still scared. please dont leave…“. And that was ages before. I honestly can’t believe what I’ve done to him. It wasn’t until I read back through all our messages that I realised how much he actually needed me.

I got up really late, like half 1 late. Haven’t done that for ages. I did get up at about 9 because I felt really sick, but I couldn’t be bothered to do anything and nobody else was awake so I just went back to bed and actually managed to sleep. I’m still really tired though, and my eyes are so watery. Feeling slightly emotional as well. Okay, not slightly. What I really wanna do is cry my eyes out, but I know I’ll still feel as bad about everything afterwards so I won’t. I think I need a good ol’ cuddle. I’ve got no one to cuddle with though, which sucks. I still feel really sick. I have no appetite whatsoever. For some reason, I knew I wouldn’t have one today. I saw someone eating cold pizza yesterday and it made me want one, but I didn’t bother buying one because I’d already had dinner last night and I knew I wouldn’t feel like it today.

I didn’t invite my friend round either because I can hardly move. I never feel like this. I haven’t eaten anything different that would make me feel so ill. *blinks* I should probably go to bed, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. But You’ve Been Framed is on soon, and I know that’ll make me feel better, although not for long. I’m supposed to be going shopping with someone tomorrow, but I don’t think I’ll be able to. Argh. And I’m annoyed at someone else because he’s coming down from miles away in October. I thought I was gonna be here, but I’m going to London, and when I told him that he said it’s fine. Well it’s not, because I haven’t seen him for ages and I miss him.

Sometimes weird thoughts run through my head. Like, if I was in hospital for ages, who would come to see me? Would I find out who my real friends are? The more I think about it, the more I realise I’m not close enough to anyone for them to come and see how I am. All I want is one best friend who will stick by me through everything, who would visit me every few days if I was in hospital. Someone who’d do for me, what I’d do for them.

I’ve got a new lamp shade. It’s not up yet, but it’s gonna make my room so much brighter when I use that light. I usually use the lamps because they’re cosier. Haha. I might try and find a different coloured lightbulb, that would be good. I still haven’t found any flashing neon coloured lights either. I like them, but I don’t think my room is really modern enough for them to fit in. Hmm. So far the only other coloured lightbulb I’ve found is apricot. That would look absolutely horrible! Ohh, found some black bulbs. Cool.

Ohh I’ve just had the nicest orange juice I’ve ever tasted! I’ll have to find out what it is, even though I’m not supposed to drink orange juice because it makes my knees ache. Meh. My leg is really itchy as well. That rash has gone down a bit, but you can still really see it. Good job I live in long trousers.

There was so much more I was gonna write yesterday but because I saw my friend I didn’t do it and now I can’t remember anything. And I haven’t really done much interesting today, but wanted to post before the plastic dinners thing became too ‘old’. Ohh, I seen my grandparents. My grandma said she’s gonna watch 8 Out of 10 Cats next week, because I told her it was funny! I also had to explain the difference between uploading and downloading, but I don’t think she really knew what I was talking about, haha.

I’m feeling quite calm atm, listening to the rain pouring outside. But at the same time very, I don’t know really. As if I’ve got so much to do in so little time, when I haven’t got anything to do, plus I have the whole weekend to myself. Might go out with my friend again tomorrow, as he actually lives quite close. Depends how the weather’s feeling. He does want to watch St Trinians though, so we could always do that. Yeah actually, I’ll ask him.

Apart from that, my faith in man kind was restored last night [haha] when a couple of boys flamboyantly came into my room. I wouldn’t say I’m close to these boys, and the first time I’d even met one of them was earlier in the day, where he made me feel like someone, rather than something. Anyway, first of all he actually knocked on my open door and waited there until I told him to come in. Then the other lad followed and started talking about Russell and pointed to something and I said “yeah, that cost me 10 quid”. And he said it’s worth it though, and then the boy who knocked on the door ask how much my chair was. Obviously this struck me as a slightly odd question, and I said I didn’t know. He took the cushion and my monkey off and placed them on my bed and then sat on the chair. He refused to move after that, and mysteriously knew what my name was, even though I’d never told him and I don’t think the other boy had either. Then a third boy joined and introduced himself as a joke, because I already knew who he was. So we were all discussing random stuff and one of them said my room was very nice and stylish. Then a huge moth flew in, from I-don’t-know-where. So the guy who said the 10 quid was worth it, jokingly picked up the cushion and pretended to whack the moth with it and I shouted noooo. So he put the cushion down and said “Not the cushion? *pretends to pick up the TV*” Which I thought was really funny, and then someone came to get these boys and the one on the chair really didn’t want to get up from it, but did eventually and he went back over to my bed, picked up the cushion and the monkey and placed them back on the chair. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I was honestly surprised by how respectful they were. I liked them boys.

Friends is on. Unless there are two Joey’s, the man I thought was Joey seems not to be. How long has it taken me to find that out?!

I’ve been feeling really sick and faint recently. And now I’ve got a rash kinda thing on my leg. This can’t be good? An early night is called for methinks.